DO YOU NOT KNOW

Do you not know
Have you not heard
The Lord is the everlasting God
The Creator of the ends of the earth
He will not grow tired and weary and his understanding no one can fathom
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak
Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall
But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength
They will soar on wings like Eagles
They will run and not grow weary
They will walk and not grow faint.

Tea With Daisy

Its another hot and sunny day with a hint of thunder in the air, but a good end to a difficult week.

So what do I do - I have tea with a very lively but sweet two year old. Daisy wants me to eat sand, play pretend catch and talk to her imaginary friends.

In the hurley-burley of a busy day "at the office" one has little time to consider the philosophy of the things we do, but how often do we find ourselves doing stuff that has no more or less merit than doing the adult world of eating sand, playing pretend catch and talking to imaginary friends.

Eating sand, playing catch and talking with imaginary friends is like the times we respond to business colleagues in a rather off hand and professional way just to keep them happy. We agree to do "stuff" in the hope that they will be satisfied, for at least a while, and then we can get on to do something REALLY important.

Except Daisy does it all for fun!!!!!

I wonder what global shift needs to take place in our thinking to allow us to bring back the fun into the serious things we do. Sure, be job focussed, but lets have a lot more fun doing it.

Wouldn't it be just great if a S.W.A.T. or S.M.A.R.T. analysis demonstrated the missing element, the key to increased efficiency or the magic bullet of success lay in chilling and having fun.

OK if I were Chief Executive of my organisation for one day I could demonstrate my decision making prowess by setting the Senior Managers the task of bringing fun into Financial Audit Control, Project Risk Analysis and Monthly Status Reports.

Or maybe I should hand everything over to Daisy!!!

First Thoughts

It is just four weeks since Alison died.

So far I have been rather too busy to let it all sink in. First there was the funeral arrangements to organise and then the sorting out of her personal affairs, letting the bank know, her former employer, the Dept of Work & Pensions etc, etc.

As Alison had been ill for some time, in fact since before the brain tumour was first diagnosed in 1999, I had begun to prepare myself for the worst and asked myself the big "what if" question, but being too afraid (perhaps) to actually come up with an answer!

I'm still not sure how I am going to react. The thing that I have reacted to most are the comments in her Book of Memories. Peter our 22 year old (and youngest son) gave Alison a smallish but brightly coloured hand made note book with loads of pages for Christmas, which he suggested we used as a book for people to sign and write tributes and recall fond memories at the Thanksgiving Service. This is our Book of Memories not Condolence.

I have been deeply moved, touched, inspired and all those sorts of wonderful words by what people have written. In fact it has taken me until now, nearly three weeks after the Thanksgiving Service, to summon up enough courage to read them. I tried a week or so back but found it all too emotional. Yesterday I managed to read them all, but then cried a lot.

I have found it difficult to know how to describe the loss and grief following the death of my beloved. I find it much easier to feel the emotion on behalf of other people. The friends she has left behind. The tributes shared at the Service showed how inspirational Alison was, how accepting and inclusive she was. I feel for many of these people because I had time to prepare, but for many the end of Alison's life was such a sudden and catastrophic event in the context of her fighting spirit and confidence in recovery that they have felt more trauma than I. I feel so much regret for them. Alison had the ability to make friends easily and have a number of "best" friends. She could adapt and show genuine interest in a variety of people's different interests and for her a day out shopping with one was just as important and exciting as helping another with a sewing project or encouraging a young friend in some particular area of concern or mutual skill.

Alison died aged 53, but she had friends in their 70s, 50s, 40s all the way through the age bands to include some teenagers and from all walks of life. Quite remarkable.

I have to ask myself whether I'm allowing them to grieve, as it were, on my behalf; vicariously.

So far its been little things that have triggered my emotions. The bird fluttering its wings in the hedge in the garden that sounded like the swish of a long skirt, the lack of a hello when I come into the house - even when she was really poorly there would be a weak smile and a "hello Jimjim". Oh how I miss that smile. The trouble is it had all but disappeared during the last year or so and I could see that Alison was changing, with the person I had known for 33 years being somehow shrouded by the illness.

Sleep is a problem. I feel so unsettled in most things, but particularly at night. Not because I'm overcome by sadness in the stillness of the night, I'm just unsettled. During the day I start lots of things around the house but flit from one thing to another. I'm unsettled. Its not right, there's a something missing.

Like a corner piece of a jigsaw; its needed to make sense of the other pieces.

Relections on a Life, Death and a Cross

With Regret

It is with much regret and emotion that I post this to let you all know that Alison, beloved wife and daughter, precious mother and dear friend died on Monday 19th June 2006.