A Response to Rain

What's the rain in your life?

Life

Run as if the door is always open

Questions

Nikki says to Leo
"How are you coping?"
Leo
"I don't have answers to my questions"
Nikki
"The trouble with you Leo is that you have too many questions"

A brief exchange between two characters in Silent Witness.

But isn't that just life?

Quote by Steve Jobs on his relationship with his wife Laureen Powell

“We didn’t know much about each other twenty years ago.  We were guided by our intuition: you swept me off my feet.  It was snowing when we got married at the Ahwahnee.  Years passed, kids came, good times, hard times. but never bad times.  Our love and respect has endured and grown.  We’ve been through so much together and here we are back where we started 20 years ago - older, wiser - with wrinkles on our faces and hearts. We now know many of life’s joys, sufferings, secrets and wonders and we’re still together. My feet have never returned to the ground.” 

Taken from Steve Jobs biography by Walter Isaacson p 530.

The thing that stands out to me in reading the biography of Steve Jobs is his temperamental arrogance and how on so many occasions he was rude, intolerant and often openly unpleasant to people and yet here is a quote about his relationship with his wife.

Is this the real Steve Jobs?

Billy Graham's Prayer For Our Nation

'Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values. We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery. We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare. We have killed our unborn and called it choice. We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable... We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem. We have abused power and called it politics.. We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition. We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us, Oh God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from sin and Set us free. Amen!'

Remembering Steve Jobs

I, like most people, have never met Steve Jobs and yet my life has been affected by his enthusiasm, commitment and entrepreneurship.  I found this tribute on a blog I follow. 

Remembering Steve Jobs - from the blog of David Alison IT & Programming Consultant

We mourn the loss of famous people—our entertainers, our leaders, our athletes—even though we never got a chance to meet them in person. They entered our lives through popular media and became part of it. We would watch them act or sing and it would engage us. They would speak about the important challenges we face and we would be inspired to address them. We would watch in awe as they performed incredible feats of skill, wondering how anyone could pull that off.

When one of those famous people die young, it's notable. That small window in our lives that they occupied goes dark and we miss them for a time.

Steve Jobs was different.

He wasn't an entertainer, yet he could capture the attention of the public and engage us. He didn't give many speeches, but the few he did were inspirational. Though he was not the classic business CEO he created multiple businesses that enjoyed extraordinary financial success. While these are all great accomplishments, it's not the main reason many people will remember Steve Jobs.

Steve had an uncanny ability to create things that became part of our lives. He didn't just build tools that made it easier to do something, he built tools that added joy to the task. He and his team put such a high value on the quality of a product that simply holding it in your hands left you with an appreciation for the attention to detail poured into it. There was a depth to the products Steve created; while something could be very simple on the surface, a little digging would lead to some cool discovery of a feature or capability that would make you smile. Like many of his product presentations, there always seemed to be "one more thing" subtly hidden on the device, waiting for you to discover it.

Personally I'm going to miss Steve's influence on the future of technology.

My thoughts are with Laurene, Steve's children and family, and the folks he worked with every day to make magic happen.

Grace is Enough

Grace is enough

What is this love

That discharges death

And redeems my life

That covers all my efforts

My works and self righteousness

Grace is enough

To take me to a higher place

When I am ragged and poor

And my strength deserts me

It will clothe me with garments

Woven with gold and silver

Grace is enough

To heal my diseases

And take away my iniquity

To help me understand

That He knows my name

And the nature of His love

Grace is enough

When things don't work out

According to my expectations

When things are taken away

By the cruelty of life

For He knows the end from the beginning

Grace is enough

To provide hope to my aching heart

And enable life to be lived

In the realty of His great love

It provides access to the beat of His heart

And an energy to relieve the spirit and soul

Grace is enough.

A river that will never run dry

A place of deep pools

With mysterious depths

And refreshing cool waters

Dangerous yet secure

Grace is enough

For He is the source

Grace gathers

It does not disperse

Grace covers

It does not expose

Grace carries

Not pushes away

Grace brings home

Rather than saying goodbye

Grace brings acceptance

Not rejecting who or what I am

Grace is enough. 

My Blogging Words

Blogging by iPhone

In this hi-tech age some people question what a 50 something is doing with an iPhone and blogging anyway, not to mention having Facebook and Twitter accounts. It can't be just a man thing as there are plenty of men my age who have not opted into having techie things, but I enjoy playing around with "kit" and writing so will hopefully get back into a bit more blogging rather than the rather truncated form of writing that goes with the FB and Twitter territory.

So this experiment of blogging by iPhone will hopefully work!

Clear Blue View

Muffin Disaster

I think of myself as an averagely successful home cook prepared to experiment and try new things so it was with some enthusiasm that I sat up and noted a practical demonstration of christian discipleship, involving food, being given in a dramatic presentation at a recent church meeting.

One of the youth leaders, Josh, was making a muffin mix using fresh ingredients and had enlisted the help of a six year old, Jack, to show him how it was done. Another volunteer was required to let the six year old show what he had learnt. I volunteered. It was all about discipleship! Josh was explaining the principle of a mentor working with a mentee and teaching by showing and doing. It actually worked very well, but.....

Back at home I thought I would put into practise what I had learnt in the morning. I thought I could remember the "recipe" and since I had tasted Josh's muffins on a previous occasion and just loved them I thought here was a chance to try it out for myself.

The principle of discipleship is Josh did it and I enjoyed it, Josh did it with me, I did with Josh and then I did it alone.

I missed one crucial step I think. Doing it with Josh watching me.

So I made the batter - that bit was quite easy but then I realised I didn't have any muffin cases or deep enough fairy cake cooking trays. So having found some small le Creuset dishes I poured in the batter only to realise I hadn't put any fat or oil into the mix. I poured the batter back into the mixing bowl to add the oil then back into the dishes by which time any air in the batter had been completely lost so I was expecting the mix not to cook very well.

Sure enough after 20 mins at 180 degrees C a nice crust has formed but the insides were not cooked. Back in the oven the dishes went and another 5 mins passed. Still not cooked! Another 5 mins by which time the crust was beginning to get a bit dark, but at least the inside was cooked - ish!

So I now have two slightly stodgy banana muffin cakey things, nice and crisp on the outside but only just about edible on the inside.

Tomorrow will see me me popping out to buy a flexible Tefal muffin tray to try again!

Excuse me while I make a banana-ery sort of over-under cooked muffiney flavoured burp.

I guess there must be some lessons on discipleship here somewhere or just basic cookery!

A Day in the Life of a Project Manager....

Woke at 6:30 - just too early to get up. Woke again at 8:15 having slept through the alarm!! I am now alarmed!

Still managed to eat my bowl of porridge made from Jumbo Oats and soaked overnight in goats milk and then cooked over a slow charcoal fire. Actually the charcoal fire is a fib but it sounds more romantic!!!!

Fortunately the M4 & M32 are clear today so the journey to St Paul's takes only 20 minutes.

Today I can park in the office car park as I am taking a large box of art materials to give away to those who want them at work. Walking the usual 15 minutes would be too difficult with such a large box.

I don't even get my coat off before one of the Maintenance Officers grabs me to get some detailed information I have been promising him for a few days. Fortunately I can lay my hands on it right away and he is impressed. Phew!

Then its the easy stuff. Sorting out a pile of invoices for my projects and getting them countersigned by my Director. I then catch up with someone else on four or five housing projects.

Now for a cup of tea. Earl Grey; but someone bought the wrong milk. I tell you Earl Grey with full cream milk is not nice!! Maybe I'll stick to water.

All this happens with the usual phone call interruptions to sort security on a building site, arrange for a last minute appointment and plan my itinerary for the next day.

I'm due out at 12:10 and all I need is that one phone call at 12:00 that is so involved that it can't be dealt with quickly.

Today is a monthly get together at the House of Fraser with my Mentor. I'm late by now so I walk jog walk as quickly as I can to the top floor restaurant. Two coffees aand an hour later I walk jog walk bag to the office to pick up keys for a site meeting at 2:00.

The contractor is cross and takes it out on me. I allow him to grumble on for a bit then remind him who he is working for. Mutterings under breath - by him not me.

The meeting takes about 2 hours and eventually I get back to the office for 4:00 - another cup of tea. Oh and I forgot about the milk. Ugh!

While I've been out there are the usual 100 emails and 50 phone messages which need dealing with and then the Chief Exec wants some info NOW.

Hooray, today I can leave the office early as I have a physiotherapy appointment at 5:45 at the top of Park Street. So off I trot to be pummelled and twisted until it hurts - but its all good for me he says. Afterwards I feel great - I suppose its a bit like the glorious feeling you get when you stop banging your head against a wall!!

I need some shopping so I then pop into Waitrose in Henleaze. I don't actually get home until 8 and then its cooking a nice ratatouille with chargrilled chicken and wholegrain rice finished off with vanilla yoghurt and a banana.

By now its too late to be doing much else so I check my emails and post some stuff on the V Cell. I have a good detective novel to read at the moment set in the time of Henry VIII so maybe I'll get to bed at a reasonable time tonight.

Coffee Culture

Meet me for coffee

Said the friend

and we shall sit

where poets sat

and talk of love and life and art

For

In that black brew

Swims music and thought

And as we hide

Behind our cappuccino froth

And sip Mocha - expresso - double decaf - latte

Arabica - Kenyan - Blue

Cafe-au-lait avec creme

We are all artists

Travellers

Lovers

Who meet in boulevards

In squares

In avenues

In morning after hotel rooms

Where

We dream our

Fitful

Coffee flavoured dreams

(Not original - found on paper coffee cup at the Eden Project, Cornwall, UK)

Blue - a view of Manchester, England

Chaz - you have made buildings express the heart of the city without making the cry they make a dismal one.

Too often cities are described in terms of pollution, rape, commercial exploitation and places from which to escape.

Your cities have a life, a depth of colour, an expectation.

Urban landscapes by Chaz Newton-Smith

The Beauty of a Grateful Heart

Neil Edbrooke pays tribute:

I remember we were all somewhat subdued. Alison was coming to join our prayer meeting but the discovery of the resurgence of her cancer had been a huge disappointment. Once again she and Jim were facing difficult decisions regarding treatment regimes and the impact of the illness on their life and future.

But we needn’t have been despondent. No doubt Alison had times of struggle – she told us she did. But here she came like morning sunshine – radiant, colourful. She often dressed in what seemed to me to be flowing robes: scarves, wraps, skirts, cloaks – all flowing and “swishing.” Not sure anyone could “swish” into a room like she did. Despite everything else that was happening in her and Jim’s life through this difficult experience, that morning Alison communicated an irrepressible spirit of gratitude. She spoke glowingly and appreciatively of her “men”, Tom, Chaz, Pete and of course, Jim. We talked and laughed freely over stories and enjoyed praying with renewed confidence. Whatever comes, Alison was saying, I know that God is trustworthy and He has made me wealthy – not in terms of money and possessions – but on deeper and richer levels, in friendships, family and through the people that I love. In her typically unselfconscious way, Alison showed us the beauty and attractiveness of a grateful heart.

Give Thanks with a Grateful Heart was the first song Jim chose to be sung at the Service of Thanksgiving for Alison’s life. The words do not deny our weakness or call on us to pretend to be strong when all is collapsing within. Rather, in the spirit of Jesus’ beatitudes, they speak of a different dimension to life, more substantial. In times of bereavement our sorrow and weakness cry out to someone who understands and who has gone ahead, who walked the same path: a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief. Jesus identifies with our sense of loss and comes alongside.

The church was full with family and friends, coming to say goodbye, coming to give thanks. There were many tributes. Many more continue in our conversations. We shall miss Alison deeply.

High King of Heaven when battle is done
Grant heaven’s joys to me, bright heaven’s sun,
Christ of my own heart, whatever befall
Still be my vision, thou ruler of all.

DO YOU NOT KNOW

Do you not know
Have you not heard
The Lord is the everlasting God
The Creator of the ends of the earth
He will not grow tired and weary and his understanding no one can fathom
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak
Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall
But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength
They will soar on wings like Eagles
They will run and not grow weary
They will walk and not grow faint.

Tea With Daisy

Its another hot and sunny day with a hint of thunder in the air, but a good end to a difficult week.

So what do I do - I have tea with a very lively but sweet two year old. Daisy wants me to eat sand, play pretend catch and talk to her imaginary friends.

In the hurley-burley of a busy day "at the office" one has little time to consider the philosophy of the things we do, but how often do we find ourselves doing stuff that has no more or less merit than doing the adult world of eating sand, playing pretend catch and talking to imaginary friends.

Eating sand, playing catch and talking with imaginary friends is like the times we respond to business colleagues in a rather off hand and professional way just to keep them happy. We agree to do "stuff" in the hope that they will be satisfied, for at least a while, and then we can get on to do something REALLY important.

Except Daisy does it all for fun!!!!!

I wonder what global shift needs to take place in our thinking to allow us to bring back the fun into the serious things we do. Sure, be job focussed, but lets have a lot more fun doing it.

Wouldn't it be just great if a S.W.A.T. or S.M.A.R.T. analysis demonstrated the missing element, the key to increased efficiency or the magic bullet of success lay in chilling and having fun.

OK if I were Chief Executive of my organisation for one day I could demonstrate my decision making prowess by setting the Senior Managers the task of bringing fun into Financial Audit Control, Project Risk Analysis and Monthly Status Reports.

Or maybe I should hand everything over to Daisy!!!

First Thoughts

It is just four weeks since Alison died.

So far I have been rather too busy to let it all sink in. First there was the funeral arrangements to organise and then the sorting out of her personal affairs, letting the bank know, her former employer, the Dept of Work & Pensions etc, etc.

As Alison had been ill for some time, in fact since before the brain tumour was first diagnosed in 1999, I had begun to prepare myself for the worst and asked myself the big "what if" question, but being too afraid (perhaps) to actually come up with an answer!

I'm still not sure how I am going to react. The thing that I have reacted to most are the comments in her Book of Memories. Peter our 22 year old (and youngest son) gave Alison a smallish but brightly coloured hand made note book with loads of pages for Christmas, which he suggested we used as a book for people to sign and write tributes and recall fond memories at the Thanksgiving Service. This is our Book of Memories not Condolence.

I have been deeply moved, touched, inspired and all those sorts of wonderful words by what people have written. In fact it has taken me until now, nearly three weeks after the Thanksgiving Service, to summon up enough courage to read them. I tried a week or so back but found it all too emotional. Yesterday I managed to read them all, but then cried a lot.

I have found it difficult to know how to describe the loss and grief following the death of my beloved. I find it much easier to feel the emotion on behalf of other people. The friends she has left behind. The tributes shared at the Service showed how inspirational Alison was, how accepting and inclusive she was. I feel for many of these people because I had time to prepare, but for many the end of Alison's life was such a sudden and catastrophic event in the context of her fighting spirit and confidence in recovery that they have felt more trauma than I. I feel so much regret for them. Alison had the ability to make friends easily and have a number of "best" friends. She could adapt and show genuine interest in a variety of people's different interests and for her a day out shopping with one was just as important and exciting as helping another with a sewing project or encouraging a young friend in some particular area of concern or mutual skill.

Alison died aged 53, but she had friends in their 70s, 50s, 40s all the way through the age bands to include some teenagers and from all walks of life. Quite remarkable.

I have to ask myself whether I'm allowing them to grieve, as it were, on my behalf; vicariously.

So far its been little things that have triggered my emotions. The bird fluttering its wings in the hedge in the garden that sounded like the swish of a long skirt, the lack of a hello when I come into the house - even when she was really poorly there would be a weak smile and a "hello Jimjim". Oh how I miss that smile. The trouble is it had all but disappeared during the last year or so and I could see that Alison was changing, with the person I had known for 33 years being somehow shrouded by the illness.

Sleep is a problem. I feel so unsettled in most things, but particularly at night. Not because I'm overcome by sadness in the stillness of the night, I'm just unsettled. During the day I start lots of things around the house but flit from one thing to another. I'm unsettled. Its not right, there's a something missing.

Like a corner piece of a jigsaw; its needed to make sense of the other pieces.

Relections on a Life, Death and a Cross

With Regret

It is with much regret and emotion that I post this to let you all know that Alison, beloved wife and daughter, precious mother and dear friend died on Monday 19th June 2006.